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Dating Violence

Teen Dating Violence- How to Help Others

11/08/2009
Dating Violence, Health, Issues
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Advice from Day One on how to help others–

Step Four- Learn How You Can Help Others

10 Ways to Help a Friend or Family Member Who is Being Abused

Helping someone who is being abused isn’t always easy. Day One can show you how to support someone without contributing to the danger.

  1. Take a Deep Breath. Before you say anything to your family/friend member, take time to think about your relationship with the person and what this person means to you. The type of relationship that you share will affect your approach. Monitor your own emotions: You’re in the best position to help someone else when you’re open-minded and patient.
  2. Don’t be afraid to tell them you are concerned for their safety. Help them recognize the abuse. Them them you see what is going on and you want to help. Help them see that what is happening is not “normal” and they deserve a healthy, non-violent relationship.
  3. Acknowledge that they are in a very difficult and scary situation. Encourage them strength and courage. Let them know that it is not their fault that they are being abused- the abuser, not the victim, is responsible for the abuse. Let them know they are not alone.
  4. Be supportive. Listen to them. Remember, it may be difficult for them to talk about the abuse. Let them know you can help out whenever they need it. What they need most is someone who will listen to them and believe them, and who can help them sort out their options.
  5. Be non-judgmental. Respect their decisions. There are complex reasons why victims stay in abusive relationships. They may break up with and go back to the abuser many times. Don’t criticize them for doing that. They will need your support even more at those times. Don’t make them feel bad for their choices- even if you think the choices are wrong.
  6. Encourage them to do things with you and other friends and family and to take part in other activities outside of their relationship.
  7. If they break up with the abuser, continue to be supportive of them after the break-up. Though the relationship was abusive, they will probably fell sad and lonely when it is over. They may be tempted to get back together with that abuser, and will especially need your support at that time.
  8. Help them develop a safety plan. Safety Planning helps victims think ahead about how to protect themselves. A safety plan is developed before a dangerous situation arises rather than at the last minute. A safety plan identifies dangers to avoid and resources for help.
  9. Encourage them to talk to people who can give help and guidance. Offer to go with them to find a counselor or support group, or to talk to their family, friends, or teachers. If they are going to the police, to court, or to see a lawyer, offer to go along, but make sure to let them do the talking.
  10. Remember you cannot “rescue” them. Although it’s difficult to see someone you care about get hurt, ultimately the victim must make the final decision. You should be there to support them and help them find their own way to escape the abuse and make themselves safe.

Note: the reality of most reported cases of relationship violence is that victims are referred to as “she” and abusers as “he.” However, boys and men can be victims, and girls and women can be abusers; and domestic violence occurs in same-sex relationships at the same rate as in heterosexual relationships. The above information applies equally in all cases.

Teen Dating Violence: Get Help

11/08/2009
Dating Violence, Issues, Resources, Staying Safe
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In New York City, Day One can help.

Step Three:  Get Help for Yourself

Comprehensive Services for Youth Experiencing Dating Abuse

If you are 14-22 years old and a survivor of abuse, combines therapeutic counseling and legal services are available to you at no fee.

Day One Offers:

  • support groups
  • individual and group counseling

Day One Can:

  • help you navigate the criminal courts system
  • accompany you to the police precinct to file a report
  • work with your school & the Department of Education for a school transfer
  • help you access public assistance, housing, immigration & other support services
  • represent you in family court for orders of protection, custody & visitation, and child support

Call Day One to meet with an attorney and a counselor who will help you make safe choices in and out of your relationship. The phone number is: 1-800-214-4150/ 212-566-8120

The office is located in a confidential location in downtown Manhattan and provides free metrocards for youth traveling to Day One’s office. Also, Hablan Espanol.

And, additional information from the Brooklyn DA’s office: “You are not alone! Tell a friend or adlt that you trust. Don’t be afraid to report abuse. Silence is the most dangerous issue in dating violence.”

Here is a list of additional resources:

  • Brooklyn Family Justice Center– Provides civil legal assistance, counseling, emergency support, spiritual counseling, and information about housing and public assistance for domestic violence victims. Walk-in hours are Monday-Friday 9am-5pm. 350 Jay Street, 15th Floor, Brooklyn, NY 11201
  • STEPS to End Family Violence– Provides counseling and education for teens who abused, legal assistance and court advocacy for incarcerated women who have been abused. Ph: 646-315-7600; 212-410-4200
  • The Door– Comprehensive services for youth 12-21. Services include counseling, GED instruction, job and internship placement services, art therapy, legal services, health center, creative and performing arts center. Make an appointment or walk-in Monday-Friday (2-5) or Wednesday (2-7). Enter at 555 Broome Street, 121 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10013. Ph: 212-941-9090
  • The Safe Space- A project of Break the Cycle, Safe Space can help you get involved in bringing awareness about teen dating and domestic violence to your community.  Ph: 1-888-988-TEEN
  • CAMBA– A comprehensive care community care agency with specific  programs for victims of violence and youth, including legal services, counseling, and work force development. 885 Flatbush Avenue, 3rd Fl. Brooklyn, NY 11226. Ph: 718-282-5575
  • St. Luke’s Hospital Crime Victims Treatment Center– Offers crisis intervention and individual and group counseling as well as other services. 411 W.114th St., New York, NY 10025. Ph: 212-523-4728
  • NYC Gay & Lesbian Anti-Violence Program (AVP)– Provides counseling, advocacy, and support for the lesbian, gay, transgender, bisexual, and HIV affected communities of NYC who have been impacted by violence and crime. Ph: 212-714-1141 (24-hour hotline)
  • Center for Family Life– Provides comprehensive services on behalf of youth and families, including counseling, employment support, and advocacy. Ph: 718-788-3500
  • Planned Parenthood of NYC– Family Planning, STD/HIV Testing, Gynecological services. Services available for men also. Walk-ins welcome for Pregnancy Testing and Emergency Contraception. Various locations. Appointment line: 1-800-230-PLAN
  • Break Free Adolescent Services– Services Adolescents ages 12-17 1/2) in English, Spanish and Russian. Break-Free provides weekly individual and family therapy for teens with academic programs, family conflict, truancy and other social or emotional disorders. 2020 Coney Island Avenue, Brooklyn, NY 11223. Ph: 718.676.4280
  • Dr. White Community Center- Catholic Charities, Diocese of Brooklyn- Offers various programs including after school and a youth employment program- services are free. 200 Gold Street, Brooklyn, NY 11201. Ph: 718-875-8801
  • Children’s Aid Society, Family Wellness Program– Offers group and individual counseling for teens who have been affected by family violence and/or who are being abused in an intimate relationship. Also offered are educational workshops and peer leadership groups for teens. Services for younger children, adult women and adult men are also offered. Services are offered in several Children’s Aid Society sites in Manhattan and the Bronx. Ph: 212-949-4800
  • Barrier Free Living– Serves disabled clients who are experiencing or have previously experienced domestic violence, and their children who have witnessed abuse. They provide information and referral services, individual and group counseling, psychotherapy, psychiatric services, occupational therapy, and advocacy services. Ph: 212-533-4358
  • LawHelp/NY– An online resource for low-income New Yorkers seeking pro bono legal assistance.  Find help on issues such as housing, family & juvenile, identity theft, taxes, consumer, public benefits, health and more!  Featuring thousands of resources in over 39 languages, an instructional video and a mirror site in Spanish.  Free trainings available.  Visit LawHelp.org/NY for more information.
  • NYC Domestic Violence Hotline Ph: 1-800-621-HOPE 24 hours per day/7 days per week
  • NYS Domestic Violence Hotline Ph: 1-800-942-6906 24 hours per day/7 days per week
  • Youthline Ph: 1-800-246-4646 Monday-Friday 9am-9pm; Weekends Noon-8pm
  • National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline Ph: 1-866-331-9474
  • National Domestic Violence Hotline Ph: 1-800-799-SAFE
  • Covenant House’s 9 Line– The 9 Line is a general hotline for teenagers. Covenant House specializes in providing temporary housing and assistance to runaway and homeless youth. Ph: 1-800-999-9999

Teen Dating Violence: Know the FACTS

11/07/2009
Dating Violence, Health, Issues, Local, Staying Safe
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Last year I attended a “Teen Dating Violence Conference,” hosted by the Brooklyn District Attorney’s Office. It is one thing to talk about dating violence- what it is, who it affects, and the need to get help; it’s another thing to actually GET help.

So what do you do if you (or someone you know and/or love) is in an abusive relationship? Where can you go for help? What are your rights as a teen? And who can/will help you protect them? Well, here is some information to help you figure it out-

Step One: Know the FACTS

According to Day One, a NY-based organization that works to end dating violence and helps teens get the assistance they need,

“Twenty-six percent of girls in grades 9 to 12 have been victims of physical abuse, sexual abuse, or date rape, according to the Journal of the American Medical Association.

Approximately 1,400 teens call the New York City Domestic Violence hotline every month.

Girls who reported that they have been sexually or physically abused were more than twice as likely as non-abused girls to have eating disorders, engage in substance abuse and commit suicide.”

Here is a clip from a  Day One film about dating abuse-

“According to a Department of Health report, one in ten teenagers in New York City schools reports experiencing physical or sexual violence in a dating relationship within the past year.

Nearly half of all female homicide victims in New York City are killed in intimate partner homicides. Of these intimate partner homicides, teenagers comprise approximately 8% of the total victims.

Peer pressure or fear of losing newly gained autonomy many precent young victims/survivors from disclosing abuse. In one study, less than 3% of boys or girls reported an incident of teen dating violence to someone such as a teacher, police officer, or counselor; only 6% reported it to a relative.”

According to Break the Cycle, a national organization based in LA that works to stop dating violence, the picture on a national level is just as serious-

  • “One in three teens experience some kind of abuse in their romantic relationships, including verbal and emotional abuse.
  • 40% of teenage girls, ages 14 to 17, know someone their age who has been hit or beaten by their partner.
  • Nearly 80% of girls who have been physically abused in their intimate relationships continue to date their abuser.
  • 1 in 4 teenage girls who have been in relationships reveal they have been pressured to perform oral sex or engage in intercourse.”

THOSE are the facts. READ them again. THINK about what you read. UNDERSTAND how serious dating violence is. DECIDE that you are concerned enough to DO SOMETHING. Then, LEARN how you can HELP.

Rihanna Speaks Out About Dating Violence

11/07/2009
Dating Violence, My Story, News, pop culture, Self-Esteem, Staying Safe, TV
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On Friday night, Rihanna spoke to Diane Sawyer on 20/20 about dating violence and her relationship with Chris Brown. This was her first time speaking out about “the incident” (let’s call is what it is- the night Chris Brown battered her) publicly. It wouldn’t be a stretch to call it a “publicity stunt” for her new album (because, let’s face it, the timing is certainly no coincidence) but the fact that she is speaking out about it publicly remains a powerful thing. I stand by that. So, if you missed it, catch the full interview here-

and here,

and here,

Ladies, dating violence is very real and it is very serious. It can happen (and it does happen) to anybody. Speaking out about what it is, who and how it affects us helps take away the stigma. If you are being abused or know a woman (or man) who is, understand that the shame is not yours, nor is the blame. Get help, and sometimes it helps to speak on it.