Last year I attended a “Teen Dating Violence Conference,” hosted by the Brooklyn District Attorney’s Office. It is one thing to talk about dating violence- what it is, who it affects, and the need to get help; it’s another thing to actually GET help.
So what do you do if you (or someone you know and/or love) is in an abusive relationship? Where can you go for help? What are your rights as a teen? And who can/will help you protect them? Well, here is some information to help you figure it out-
Step One: Know the FACTS
According to Day One, a NY-based organization that works to end dating violence and helps teens get the assistance they need,
“Twenty-six percent of girls in grades 9 to 12 have been victims of physical abuse, sexual abuse, or date rape, according to the Journal of the American Medical Association.
Approximately 1,400 teens call the New York City Domestic Violence hotline every month.
Girls who reported that they have been sexually or physically abused were more than twice as likely as non-abused girls to have eating disorders, engage in substance abuse and commit suicide.”
Here is a clip from a Day One film about dating abuse-
“According to a Department of Health report, one in ten teenagers in New York City schools reports experiencing physical or sexual violence in a dating relationship within the past year.
Nearly half of all female homicide victims in New York City are killed in intimate partner homicides. Of these intimate partner homicides, teenagers comprise approximately 8% of the total victims.
Peer pressure or fear of losing newly gained autonomy many precent young victims/survivors from disclosing abuse. In one study, less than 3% of boys or girls reported an incident of teen dating violence to someone such as a teacher, police officer, or counselor; only 6% reported it to a relative.”
According to Break the Cycle, a national organization based in LA that works to stop dating violence, the picture on a national level is just as serious-
“One in three teens experience some kind of abuse in their romantic relationships, including verbal and emotional abuse.
40% of teenage girls, ages 14 to 17, know someone their age who has been hit or beaten by their partner.
Nearly 80% of girls who have been physically abused in their intimate relationships continue to date their abuser.
1 in 4 teenage girls who have been in relationships reveal they have been pressured to perform oral sex or engage in intercourse.”
THOSE are the facts. READ them again. THINK about what you read. UNDERSTAND how serious dating violence is. DECIDE that you are concerned enough to DO SOMETHING. Then, LEARN how you can HELP.
On Friday night, Rihanna spoke to Diane Sawyer on 20/20 about dating violence and her relationship with Chris Brown. This was her first time speaking out about “the incident” (let’s call is what it is- the night Chris Brown battered her) publicly. It wouldn’t be a stretch to call it a “publicity stunt” for her new album (because, let’s face it, the timing is certainly no coincidence) but the fact that she is speaking out about it publicly remains a powerful thing. I stand by that. So, if you missed it, catch the full interview here-
and here,
and here,
Ladies, dating violence is very real and it is very serious. It can happen (and it does happen) to anybody. Speaking out about what it is, who and how it affects us helps take away the stigma. If you are being abused or know a woman (or man) who is, understand that the shame is not yours, nor is the blame. Get help, and sometimes it helps to speak on it.
A few days ago, it was announced that First Lady Michelle Obama is starting a mentoring program for 20 high schools girls in the DC area. The goal of the program is to teach the girls “life skills,” expose them into the inner workings of government, and pair them up with some of the most powerful women in government. “Second Lady Jill Biden, White House advisor Valerie Jarrett, Social Secretary Desiree Rogers, and several members of the first lady’s staff and the senior staff in the West Wing will serve as mentors.”
According to the article, “the 20 protégées, who are sophomores and juniors, were chosen by principals at area high schools and include young women from military families.”
The program will last for a year and “will include financial literacy training and exposure to different career paths, as well as possible field trips with the first lady, advisors said.”
Score another one for The White House! I LOVE this! I’ve been saying for YEARS that D.C. government needed to create a mentoring program for girls in the area, but maybe now, someone will listen. I love the this is being done, but everyone (not just those at the top levels of government) need to get involved and give back. My only hope is that the girls selected will be ones who can really benefit the most from this type of exposure. Don’t get me wrong, any young woman would benefit (I know I would and I’ve been out of high school for a minute), but I know that at my high school and college, and most times in life, the “chosen ones” are the ones who will make it anyway. And it’s nice to choose the best, but sometimes it’s better to give the overlooked a shot. My two cents.
Oh, and as not to leave the fellas out, “the West Wing also will launch a mentoring and leadership program for high school boys that the president will participate in, aides said.”
Check out the video, where the First Lady of The United States (FLOTUS) talks more about the program. And you can even read the remarks, courtesy of The Huffington Post. Sounds great to me. And don’t worry ladies, once we’re up and running, mentoring will definitely be a part of the program!
So, last week, The New York Times starting running a series (or a mini series, or a couple) of articles on teenage runaways and the traps that await them as they try to survive on the streets alone.
The first article, “Recession Drives Surge in Youth Runaways,” is about how the recession is increasing the number of teens who run away from home. According to the article, “Over the past two years, government officials and experts have seen an increasing number of children leave home for life on the streets, including many under 13. Foreclosures, layoffs, rising food and fuel prices and inadequate supplies of low-cost housing have stretched families to the extreme, and those pressures have trickled down to teenagers and preteens.” That sucks. There’s also a video you might want to check out-
The second article, “For Runaways, Sex Buys Survival,” focuses on what runaways have to endure in order to survive on the streets, the difficult choices they must make, the predators that target them when they are at their most vulnerable, and those in law enforcement trying to help. As you may or many not know, Port Authority is a hub for both runaways who come to the city looking for a better/different/another life, as well as pimps, perverts and other garbage who prey on them. There’s also a video.
If you are a teen in need of help, or know (of) one, please try to get help:
Serving abused children and their families, Childhelp is devoted to providing services that allow for each and every child to know “a life filled with love”. Some of the programs and services they provide are: Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline, Child Advocacy Centers, and Therapeutic Group Homes. Childhelp has regional offices and facilities in the following states: AZ, CA, TN, MI, and VA.Childhelp’s hotline is: 1-800-4-A-CHILD.
Children of the Night is a non-profit organization founded in 1979 to assist children between the ages of 11-17 who are forced to prostitute on the streets for feed and shelter. Through their outreach, shelter home, and 24-hour crisis hotline, Children of the Night are able to rescue youth who have been raped, beaten, overdosed on drugs, and are trying to escape the streets. Children who call the hotline are counseled over the telephone while they wait for transportation to the Children of the Night Shelter or until they can be placed in a shelter in their local area. The Children of the Night hotline is: 1-800-551-1300.
Girls Educational & Mentoring Services (GEMS) was founded in 1999 designed to serve girls and young women ages 12-21 who have experienced commercial sexual exploitation and domestic trafficking. GEMS has helped hundreds of young girls and women exit the commercial sex industry and develop to their full potential by providing them with empathetic, consistent support and viable opportunities for positive change. Their services include prevention and outreach, intervention, and youth development programs.
So, ladies, as I’m sure you all know, we don’t play “woman beating” around these parts. So imagine my surprise when NY1 political anchor Dominic Carter is accused of assaulting this wife earlier this week! I thought to myself…oh hells no! And I actually watched that show, several times….Dominic…say it ain’t so.
Dominic Carter
Carter, after appearing in court
So here’s the deal, Carter’s wife Marilyn accused him of punching, choking and kicking her. She later recanted those allegations, but, according to the NY Post, ” cops were called to the Carters’ Rockland County house four times in the last two years for domestic disputes, police records show. The most violent incident — in which Carter, 46, was arrested for assault — occurred Oct. 22, 2008.”
Carter, whose work contract expires in a month, has been suspended from his job as an anchor (right before the Nov. 3 Mayoral race) as it was also suggested that he tried to use his position as an influential news anchor to convince a judge to “bury” the charge. You lost one, Dom.
In the previous post, we talked a little bit about Child Sexual Exploitation, around the U.S. and right here in NYC. Here is some additional information on the NY-based organization Girls Educational and Mentoring Services (GEMS) and what YOU can do to learn more an get involved.
“Girls Educational & Mentoring Services (GEMS) is the only organization in New York State specifically designed to serve girls and young women who have experienced commercial sexual exploitation and domestic trafficking. GEMS was founded in 1999 by Rachel Lloyd, a young woman who had been sexually exploited as a teenager. GEMS has helped hundreds of young women and girls, ages 12-21, who have experienced commercial sexual exploitation and domestic trafficking to exit the commercial sex industry and to develop to their full potential. GEMS provides young women with empathetic, consistent support and viable opportunities for positive change.” Source
Know the Facts
2,200 children are estimated to be victimized by commercial sexual exploitation each year in New York City alone (OCFS Prevalence Study 2007).
325,ooo are estimated to be at risk for commercial sexual exploitation annually in the United States (Estes and Wiener, 2001).
A 2001 University of Pennsylvania study states “Child commercial sexual exploitation is the most hidden form of child abuse in the Unites States and North America today” (Estes and Wiener, 2001).
The majority of victimized youth have run away from home, or were running away from a foster care home, juvenile detention center or group home (Estes and Wiener, 2001).
70-90% of commercially sexually exploited children have a history of child sexual abuse (Murphy, 1993).
1.6 million children run away from home each year in the United States (NISMART). Source
What Can You do TODAY Help End the Commercial Sexual Exploitation of Children?
When you see examples of pimp culture glorified in the media, music or movies, acknowledge this kind of societal acceptance adds to the program by not buying those products, albums or movie tickets.
Change your language around the issue and encourage those around you to do the same. Instead of saying “teen or child prostitute,” recognize them as legitimate victims by calling them “commercially sexually exploited children and youth.”
Was anyone else excited to see this episode of 90210? Did she or didn’t she? Will she or won’t she? Hmm…and wait. I thought Annie was still a virgin…I must have missed that memo. In any case, if you missed it, here’s the teaser-
Whew. Alrighty then. So that didn’t go exactly as I thought it would. But interesting nonetheless. So let’s go in.
90210 (Pt.1) I typed this while watching the first half of the show:
Laim’s mom- get.a.backbone. I know you don’t want to go back to sweeping and mopping, instead of parlaying and shopping for a living but it’s California…if he divorces you, he has to split his bucks…right down the middle. So stop letting your husband verbally abuse your kid!
Liam- stop being a punk. Tell Naomi you had sex with her sister and take your lumps like a man-boy. She’s already pissed at you, so what is there to lose? I know you think you’re protecting her and what not, but have we not learned that secrets, like dairy products, will not keep?
Naomi’s sister- are you serious? stop being a psycho! Where is Kelly when you need her? Both for therapy (isn’t she a counselor or something) and a beat down. Scratch that, call Brenda for the beat down, she’d be better at it.
Naomi- poor, jaded Naomi. You’re not a bad person, really, but I can’t really say that feel bad for you. As sneaky as you are, you should be better at spotting the snakes in the grass…mirror much?
Silver- oh, Silver. Snap out of it girl! What happened to you? I know you’re hurting and all, but it’s hurting me to watch this. Get your spirit back on track, blog something! And since when did you become a part of the crew? I thought you were all “I’m not a prom queen/normal teen/alternative” Let’s revisit that, shall we?
Ryan- get a clue. Can you possibly be that naive? Seriously. At your age, (you passed young and dumb a long time ago) you had to have been around long enough to know better.
Dixon- get over yourself. Annie is your sister and even she’s been acting like a major bia as of late, you have got to have her back! always. Also, I thought you were supposed to be Brandon 2.0. What’s with the Dylan-like brooding, sullen leaning and now, surfing?
Annie- oh, Annie…when did you get so annoying? Were you like this last season? All this mealy mouthed whining, and passive aggressive behavior…get a grip.
New guy- Teddy is it? Steve Sanders, much? Seriously…the famous parent, “the blond and beautiful” thing, blah blah blah. I’m still sussing you out.
Navid- hater, much? Perhaps it’s all the sexual repression but you need a hobby or three.
Adrianna- good job. I’m liking you sober. Way to call Navid on that wack apology and stand your ground. A word of caution though, watch out for new guy, I’m not sure he’s to be trusted.
90210 (Pt.2)
Liam’s mom- now, didn’t it feel good to take up for your son just a little bit? I know it’s hard to choose between your husband and your teenage son (as a mom, you must ask the eternal question- at what age does your happiness matter more than his- and either dislike the answer, be unhappy, make him unhappy, or both)
Dixon- “Did you put your weight behind it?”
Naomi- you were sooo close…
Evil sister- “you’re scary good,” I hate to see what comes around for you. I just don’t like you. At all…Who are you supposed to be Valerie?
Annie- good job standing up for yourself and breaking dude’s phone. You still got outed, but you tried.
Liam- bonding with the fellas, huh? Awww…good for you, making some friends. If Dylan could do it, so can you!
[oh and very cute “I’m a New Yorker” moment between the fellas…I guess NY pride doesn’t ever wear off]
Idk…the jury is still out, but I am kind of interested to see what happens this season. I’m trying very hard not to be a Beverly Hills 90210 purist, but it’s just too easy…I mean, look, we never got our Brenda/Dylan/Kelly resolution and here you go trying to update the show?!. Come on!
At least they know what shows to try this stunt with. Can you imagine if someone tried to “remake” My So-Called Life?! (Blasphemy! Btw, if you’ve never seen that show…it will change your life. Classic.)
Oh, and before I go, I would be remiss not to say a word about sexting…Look, it’s nothing new. People get caught up…in feelings, in the moment, in situations…in flagrante…and things happen. I know that I’m not one to tell you all what to do, (Besides, I’m sure there’s very little I could tell you that you don’t already know), but, I will proffer a word of caution.
Actually, I fall back on something I wrote a year or two ago, called, the “NEW” rules of dating:
Re: Text photos (or sexting)
New dating rule: Do not send incriminating photos over the phone!
When to follow it: When you don’t know him well enough to trust that you won’t end up exposed on the Internet. Or when you’re planning a career in politics, law, medicine, media, business, or have any aspirations to be great.
When to break it: When you trust him (or her) and have equally (if not more so) incriminating photos of him.
Re: Text- stalking
New dating rule: Do not continue to text message him if he is only (half-heartedly) responding to you and never initiating contact.
When to follow it: When you two are just getting to know each other. You don’t want to come off like a text stalker, a pest or a lame with nothing else to do. You also don’t want to give him all the power. Let him work foryour time and attention as well.
When to break it: You know him well enough to decipher that something is not right and suspect that there is a reason he is avoiding contacting you. Be the adult and encourage him to “use his words,” even if it is through a text. If you respond by just avoiding him as well, you’ll soon tire of the “I can ignore you better” game. Besides, you’re better than that and if he’s not interested, he’s wasting your time.
Re: Friends
New dating rule: Don’t blab too much about the new guy person you’re dating too soon.
When to follow it: When you don’t want to mess things up or jinx it. Or when your girls talk way too much.
When not to follow it: When you just can’t keep it to yourself, you need some good advice, and you know your friends are trustworthy (and can keep a secret).
Homegirl NYC 