The following information was provided by Day One, an organization working to end dating abuse in New York. I am reprinting the information here, verbatim, for your information.
Step Two : Recognize the Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship
You have the right to a safe and healthy relationship- a relationship free from violence and fear. Know the warning signs of an abusive relationship.
Your Partner:
Is extremely jealous or insecure
Constantly puts you down
Is possessive or treats you like property
Tells you what to do
Has an explosive temper
Makes false accusations
Isolates you from family and friends
Blames you for his/her problems
You:
Apologize for your partner’s behavior and make excuses for it
Worry about upsetting your partner or getting him/her angry
Stop doing things that were important to you because you want to make your partner happy
Cancel plans with your friends at the last minute more often
Try to hide injuries and bruises
Healthy Relationship Quiz
Does your partner accuse you of flirting or cheating even though you’re not? Does he/she constantly check up on you or always make you check in? Does your partner tell you how to dress or get upset when you wear certain clothes?
Does your partner try to control what you do and how you spend your time? Does he/she try to keep you from seeing or talking to people you are care about?
Does your partner have big mood swings where one minute he/she is angry and yelling at you, and the next minute he/she is sweet and apologetic and says he/she can’t live without you? Do you often feel like you’re “walking on eggshells?”
Does your partner put you down or criticize you? Does he/she make you feel like you can’t do anything right or that no one else would want you?
Does your partner yell, grab, shove, punch, slap, hold you down, throw things or hurt you in any other way?
Does your partner threaten to hurt you or somebody you care about (like him/herself, your family, your friends or your pets)?
Does your partner force or pressure you into having sex or going further than you want to?
If you answered yes to some of these questions, your relationship may not be as healthy as you deserve. Day One can help! Call Day One at 800.214.4150 to have a confidential conversation with a lawyer.
Last year I attended a “Teen Dating Violence Conference,” hosted by the Brooklyn District Attorney’s Office. It is one thing to talk about dating violence- what it is, who it affects, and the need to get help; it’s another thing to actually GET help.
So what do you do if you (or someone you know and/or love) is in an abusive relationship? Where can you go for help? What are your rights as a teen? And who can/will help you protect them? Well, here is some information to help you figure it out-
Step One: Know the FACTS
According to Day One, a NY-based organization that works to end dating violence and helps teens get the assistance they need,
“Twenty-six percent of girls in grades 9 to 12 have been victims of physical abuse, sexual abuse, or date rape, according to the Journal of the American Medical Association.
Approximately 1,400 teens call the New York City Domestic Violence hotline every month.
Girls who reported that they have been sexually or physically abused were more than twice as likely as non-abused girls to have eating disorders, engage in substance abuse and commit suicide.”
Here is a clip from a Day One film about dating abuse-
“According to a Department of Health report, one in ten teenagers in New York City schools reports experiencing physical or sexual violence in a dating relationship within the past year.
Nearly half of all female homicide victims in New York City are killed in intimate partner homicides. Of these intimate partner homicides, teenagers comprise approximately 8% of the total victims.
Peer pressure or fear of losing newly gained autonomy many precent young victims/survivors from disclosing abuse. In one study, less than 3% of boys or girls reported an incident of teen dating violence to someone such as a teacher, police officer, or counselor; only 6% reported it to a relative.”
According to Break the Cycle, a national organization based in LA that works to stop dating violence, the picture on a national level is just as serious-
“One in three teens experience some kind of abuse in their romantic relationships, including verbal and emotional abuse.
40% of teenage girls, ages 14 to 17, know someone their age who has been hit or beaten by their partner.
Nearly 80% of girls who have been physically abused in their intimate relationships continue to date their abuser.
1 in 4 teenage girls who have been in relationships reveal they have been pressured to perform oral sex or engage in intercourse.”
THOSE are the facts. READ them again. THINK about what you read. UNDERSTAND how serious dating violence is. DECIDE that you are concerned enough to DO SOMETHING. Then, LEARN how you can HELP.
On Friday night, Rihanna spoke to Diane Sawyer on 20/20 about dating violence and her relationship with Chris Brown. This was her first time speaking out about “the incident” (let’s call is what it is- the night Chris Brown battered her) publicly. It wouldn’t be a stretch to call it a “publicity stunt” for her new album (because, let’s face it, the timing is certainly no coincidence) but the fact that she is speaking out about it publicly remains a powerful thing. I stand by that. So, if you missed it, catch the full interview here-
and here,
and here,
Ladies, dating violence is very real and it is very serious. It can happen (and it does happen) to anybody. Speaking out about what it is, who and how it affects us helps take away the stigma. If you are being abused or know a woman (or man) who is, understand that the shame is not yours, nor is the blame. Get help, and sometimes it helps to speak on it.
A few days ago, it was announced that First Lady Michelle Obama is starting a mentoring program for 20 high schools girls in the DC area. The goal of the program is to teach the girls “life skills,” expose them into the inner workings of government, and pair them up with some of the most powerful women in government. “Second Lady Jill Biden, White House advisor Valerie Jarrett, Social Secretary Desiree Rogers, and several members of the first lady’s staff and the senior staff in the West Wing will serve as mentors.”
According to the article, “the 20 protégées, who are sophomores and juniors, were chosen by principals at area high schools and include young women from military families.”
The program will last for a year and “will include financial literacy training and exposure to different career paths, as well as possible field trips with the first lady, advisors said.”
Score another one for The White House! I LOVE this! I’ve been saying for YEARS that D.C. government needed to create a mentoring program for girls in the area, but maybe now, someone will listen. I love the this is being done, but everyone (not just those at the top levels of government) need to get involved and give back. My only hope is that the girls selected will be ones who can really benefit the most from this type of exposure. Don’t get me wrong, any young woman would benefit (I know I would and I’ve been out of high school for a minute), but I know that at my high school and college, and most times in life, the “chosen ones” are the ones who will make it anyway. And it’s nice to choose the best, but sometimes it’s better to give the overlooked a shot. My two cents.
Oh, and as not to leave the fellas out, “the West Wing also will launch a mentoring and leadership program for high school boys that the president will participate in, aides said.”
Check out the video, where the First Lady of The United States (FLOTUS) talks more about the program. And you can even read the remarks, courtesy of The Huffington Post. Sounds great to me. And don’t worry ladies, once we’re up and running, mentoring will definitely be a part of the program!
In October 2008, Alexa Brunetti was crowned Miss New Jersey Teen 2009. It was a fairy tale ending—complete with a beautiful gown and a crown—for the shy teen that hoped she could.
Late last month, during the final days of her reign, she spoke with Homegirlmagazine about her experiences.
Alexa, now 19, grew up on the island of Brigantine, New Jersey, located right next to Atlantic City. “It’s really homey, there are a lot of houses, not really much to do, but in the summer it’s gorgeous,” Alexa said. “We have beautiful beaches and I’m a surfer so I absolutely love it. It’s a great island,” she said. So how did this surfer start competing in beauty pageants? Well, it happened almost by accident.
Her First Pageant
When Alexa was four, she began taking jazz and tap dance classes. That year, her dance teacher told the class about a beauty pageant for girls their age. Alexa went home and begged her mother to let her enter. Her mother said no, worrying that the competition would be too much for her shy daughter, but Alexa was persistent. When her mother finally caved in, Alexa told her, “Mommy, I’m going to win.” And she did.
But the learning curve was steep. Alexa wore a flower girl dress from a wedding, the other girls wore gowns; Alexa did have that much make-up on, the other girls did; Alexa wore her hair in loose curls, the other girls didn’t. “We didn’t know anything about pageants but we just went and winged it,” she said. “I happened to win.”
The Spotlight
Alexa also gained confidence on stage. “I was really really really shy as a little girl, like I wouldn’t even say my own name,” Alexa recalls. “But when I went on stage, I still remember, they actually couldn’t get me off stage,” she said. “It was funny.”
After her first beauty pageant, Alexa was hooked. “I just loved going on stage,” she said, “It’s like when I go onstage, a switch turns on.” And the shy girl, literally, lights up. So Alexa continued to compete and she continued to win. “I’ve competed in a ton of pageants ever since then and I’ve won every single one I’ve entered except for one,” she said.
Then, when she was eight years old, she stopped. “It got big into the fake teeth, the tan,” Alexa said. “It was just really craziness and the money was insane.” Apparently it’s also really expensive to compete in pageants- the gowns, the make-up, and the hair.
Alexa began to explore other interests like cheerleading and sports. She wouldn’t compete again until she was 17.
Showstopper
When Alexa was in high school, she wanted to get into modeling, so she started to compete in pageants again. She entered a “practice pageant” and had fun, so she entered a few more. Then, there was the pageant that almost ended her career.
“I did the pageant my senior year. I had a bf at the time and I gained a lot of weight— for me,” she said. “The pageant was around April and we didn’t think anything of it.” That is, until she came in last place. Alexa was so embarrassed by the loss that when she got the letter about competing in Miss New Jersey Teen USA, she almost didn’t enter. “I was like, ‘No mom, I’m not in shape and it was really embarrassing that I came out on stage like that,” she recalls. “I want to retire, I don’t want to do this anymore.” Her mother convinced her that this would be great exposure and a good career move, so she reconsidered.
Miss New Jersey Teen 2009
Entering Miss New Jersey Teen would require a big commitment and Alexa’s mother reminded her of that. “She said, ‘Alexa, you have to really be serious if you want to win or want to do well.” That meant she had to lose the weight, spend less time going out with her friends and going out to eat, and spend more time studying questions and working on the pageant. She would have to sacrifice. “At first I was like, ‘yeah, yeah, yeah,’” Alexa said, “And then, I don’t know, I got this fire in my belly. I worked out everyday, I studied questions every single day and I was really focused on the pageant.” She lost the weight, dedicated the time and even got her friends to help quiz her on pageant questions. “It was a really big accomplishment,” she said. And it paid off; Alexa won.
“On my website there’s a clipping of when I got crowned,” Alexa said. “It’s so amazing.”
“When the MCs asked me, ‘how do you feel right now,’ I could not talk,” she said. “It felt like my brain fell out, but it was just incredible!”
“I never worked so hard for anything and it was just incredible. It was my first time, so if I was in the top 15, I would have been so thankful and grateful and proud of myself, but I actually came out winning,” she said, “It was such an amazing feeling.”
As Miss New Jersey Teen 2009, what did you win, besides the title and the crown?
You win $30,000 in cash and prizes. You do a year’s worth of reign, meaning you go to different places, you volunteer, you help, and you get to travel.
Do you pick your own community service projects or does the pageant choose them for you?
Well, it’s kind of half and half. They provide you two appearances every month and once you complete those two, you can reach out and do other things as well, if you want.
What was your first appearance?
I did the Snowflake Awards, in North Jersey, for underprivileged children. I got to help judge a tree-decorating contest, take pictures, and sign autographs for little kids.
Did you do any community service projects on your own?
I did a lot. I volunteered at the Ronald McDonald House and that was my choice. The Ronald McDonald House lets families of sick children stay there if a child is getting surgery, is very ill or has cancer. It’s a good price for them in difficult times. We go in and make them dinner or breakfast. The first time I went, I burned the eggs, it was very embarrassing, but thank God we had leftovers. But after that I definitely got better, ever since I was going there.
Miss Teen USA 2009
As the winner of Miss New Jersey Teen USA, Alexa automatically qualified to compete in the Miss Teen USA pageant, held in Las Vegas earlier this year. The Miss Teen USA pageant was a three-day competition where the winners of all the teen state pageants met and competed for the title of Miss Teen USA.
“The Miss USA organization is so much fun,” Alexa said. There is a dance on Saturday where all the girls get to mingle and they share rooms for the entire weekend. “That was actually my first time getting to room with another girl, like a stranger, because I didn’t go off to college,” Alexa said. “That was very interesting, she and I get along, and we still talk today. It’s just a great time.”
Competition
But the beauty pageant wasn’t all fun and games; after all, it was still a competition. So just how competitive did it get? Are some of the girls really as catty and vicious as they appear on some T.V. shows? “It tends to get very competitive,” Alexa said. “Of course I’ve run into that. But you just have to stay positive and stick with people who are positive.”
“I’ve never been like that because I want to be a good sport and play fair,” Alexa said. But the intense competition, at the national level, can bring out the worst in some people’s personalities. “You definitely see some of the girls, their true colors come out,” she said. “I’m not trying to talk down to any of the girls, they’re all wonderful, but you see how they are during pressure.”
Spoken like a true winner.
What attracts you to beauty pageants?
The opportunity. I love working with people, I love helping people and doing the charity work, but also I got to go to Vegas in April and if I hadn’t won, I would never probably have gone out there. I went to the Bahamas; it was my first time out of the country.
If you do get into a good pageant system, doors will open for you.
And what draws me in, definitely, is some of the girls, too; you know, meeting new people. I know a girl from every state! It’s so cool to say and I still keep in contact with some of the girlfriends from my state pageant. It’s so much fun, really it is, I love it!
What was your most memorable experience?
There are so many! I would definitely have to say two things, three things-
The Ronald McDonald House, going to Vegas for the first time with my mom and meeting all the girls for the first time, and Virginia. I’d never ridden a horse before or ride on a staple and do the lasso and. I just did so much that I never ever would think I would ever do. I’ve been to places in New Jersey that I probably never ever would have been to. I didn’t know that North Jersey is mountainous. So when I went there about two weeks ago, I was like omg are we still in New Jersey? I was driving down a mountain and bear ran across my car. I was like, wow, we are not in South Jersey anymore, because South Jersey is very flat and farmland and North Jersey is mountainous, has hills and is definitely above sea level. It’s very interesting.
What was the most difficult part of being Miss New Jersey Teen 2009?
There really wasn’t a difficult part. It was a little challenging being in school at the same time. But since I was in community college, I got to communicate with my professors and get the work I was missing. Dealing with some of the people was rough sometimes but, other than that, it’s been so positive and enjoyable.
When you aren’t modeling or competing in pageants, what do you do for fun?
I surf. I like to do mixed martial arts. I like to swim and I like to ice skate for fun. I’ve also write poetry although I haven’t done it since I got out of high school. I did happen to get one of my poems published. It was pretty cool, actually, to open a magazine and see my poem was in there, it was really, I would never think of that- that it would happen, but it did and it was really awesome to see that.
So, your reign ended on October 18th of this year. What’s next for you?
Well, my last appearance of the year was participating in the Columbus Day Parade. It was a lot of emotion, but I didn’t want to get too upset because I had to grasp everything. I was very blessed to have this opportunity in my life, so I just got to take it all in and just be excited for the new 2010 Miss Jersey Teen USA.
I actually am planning on going to the New York Film Academy next year, if I get accepted. I definitely want to do sports announcing, broadcast journalism, or some type of producing.
Your favorite quote is “be the change you want to see in the world,” what does it mean to you?
When I think of that quote I think, if you want to see the world get better, be a better place, it starts from you—just to help out a little bit, just to chip in every once in a while. Some people are like, “I want to see change,” but it starts from you helping out.
Do the skills you’ve learned participating in beauty pageants apply elsewhere?
Yes, definitely. If you’re a pageant girl, you do an interview with the judges and it’s very tough and nerve wracking. I’ve been through a lot of interviews—you can definitely nail a job interview. I know a lot of people think, ‘oh beauty pageants are stupid, the girls are stupid,’ they have this stereotype of stuck up beauty pageant and beauty girls, but that’s not true. I studied and I learned things that I wouldn’t even think about; you read current events and help out with the community, too.
So why should a girl consider entering a beauty pageant?
I think she should do it definitely for the experience— win, lose or draw—the experience is so much fun. I would say if girls are interested, definitely go for it, it doesn’t hurt to try. And from my experience, I thought I was never going to win. I had a hope that I was, but it was my first time around with girls who had been competing for four to five years. I came in and did my best and I won. So you never know.
For more information on the Miss New Jersey Teen Pageant and to learn how you can compete next year, visit their website.
To learn more about Alexa, read her bio and check out her online photo gallery.
We recently reported on the brutal gang rape of a 15-year-old outside a California high school that outraged the nation and put the community (and the school) where it happened under a very critical microscope. It also brought many in that community together to speak out against violence and look for solutions. Well, some of those concerned residents gathered together on Tuesday for a vigil/rally/support session where the pastor of a local church read a letter from the young woman.
The message was simple and powerful. According to the article, she said, “Violence is always the wrong choice.”
“We realize people are angry about this,” the 15-year-old sophomore said in a statement read by her church pastor at a rally at the high school. “But let the anger cause change, change that is necessary to keep our children, our neighbors and our friends safe.“
Well said. Let your anger lead you to create change.
Also, according to the article, “Richmond High School is accepting cards and donations for the victim and her family. They can be mailed to the school at 1250 23rd St., Richmond, CA 94804-1011. Make checks out to the Richmond High Student Fund, with “For sex assault victim” written in the memo line.”
!!The New York Knicks and Urban Word NYC host Annual College Fair This Saturday!!
Date: November 7th
Time: 10AM-3PM
Place: Hammerstein Ballroom (34th Street @ 8th Ave)
According to the website, “This College Fair is one of the most unique annual college fairs around the tri-state area. High school students are encouraged to come out and meet with over 60 colleges and universities from around the country. While exploring the fair, you will be able to watch master poets and dance groups perform, listen to music and live bands, and interact with over 2,000 students. In addtion to all of these festivities, there are two dynamic Poetry competitions going on at the same time.
College application workshops will be conducted throughout the day and financial aid advisors will be on hand to answer any questions.
Special guests, including Knicks Alumni, will make peridodic appearances throughout the day and sign autographs.”
As mentioned, there will also be a Poetry Slam Program– one Spoken Word Competition and a Written Competition. Here are the details:
1. Spoken Word Competition — A Poetry Slam competition where students progress through an Open Audition, Poetry Workshops, Preliminary Slams, Semi-final Slams, all to compete at the Knicks Poetry Slam Finals at the New Amsterdam Theatre on Broadway.
Spoken Word Prizes
1st place – $10,000 laptop and printer
2nd place – $7,500 laptop and printer
3rd place – $5,000 laptop and printer
4th — 10th – $1,000
To be eligible for this competition, participants must prepare a 1-minute poem audition and perform before a panel of judges at the College Fair on November 7th between 10am-3pm. Top scorers will be placed in a 5-week writing workshop series taking place at sites across the city. Open to teens ages 13-19 years old.
2. Written Competition — students must submit a portfolio of original work including: an essay “The Reason I Write,” poetry samples, community service and a resume. The portfolio will be reviewed by a panel of judges to determine the winners.
Written Contest Prizes
2 full scholarships (4 years) to the University of Wisconsin
1 full tuition scholarship (4 year) to Mercy College
To be eligible for this competition, participants must register here. No audition is necessary. Open to High School Seniors.
Each person attending the College Fair MUST Register beforehand- even if you are not participating in the Poetry Slam! See the website to register and for more details.
So, last week, The New York Times starting running a series (or a mini series, or a couple) of articles on teenage runaways and the traps that await them as they try to survive on the streets alone.
The first article, “Recession Drives Surge in Youth Runaways,” is about how the recession is increasing the number of teens who run away from home. According to the article, “Over the past two years, government officials and experts have seen an increasing number of children leave home for life on the streets, including many under 13. Foreclosures, layoffs, rising food and fuel prices and inadequate supplies of low-cost housing have stretched families to the extreme, and those pressures have trickled down to teenagers and preteens.” That sucks. There’s also a video you might want to check out-
The second article, “For Runaways, Sex Buys Survival,” focuses on what runaways have to endure in order to survive on the streets, the difficult choices they must make, the predators that target them when they are at their most vulnerable, and those in law enforcement trying to help. As you may or many not know, Port Authority is a hub for both runaways who come to the city looking for a better/different/another life, as well as pimps, perverts and other garbage who prey on them. There’s also a video.
If you are a teen in need of help, or know (of) one, please try to get help:
Serving abused children and their families, Childhelp is devoted to providing services that allow for each and every child to know “a life filled with love”. Some of the programs and services they provide are: Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline, Child Advocacy Centers, and Therapeutic Group Homes. Childhelp has regional offices and facilities in the following states: AZ, CA, TN, MI, and VA.Childhelp’s hotline is: 1-800-4-A-CHILD.
Children of the Night is a non-profit organization founded in 1979 to assist children between the ages of 11-17 who are forced to prostitute on the streets for feed and shelter. Through their outreach, shelter home, and 24-hour crisis hotline, Children of the Night are able to rescue youth who have been raped, beaten, overdosed on drugs, and are trying to escape the streets. Children who call the hotline are counseled over the telephone while they wait for transportation to the Children of the Night Shelter or until they can be placed in a shelter in their local area. The Children of the Night hotline is: 1-800-551-1300.
Girls Educational & Mentoring Services (GEMS) was founded in 1999 designed to serve girls and young women ages 12-21 who have experienced commercial sexual exploitation and domestic trafficking. GEMS has helped hundreds of young girls and women exit the commercial sex industry and develop to their full potential by providing them with empathetic, consistent support and viable opportunities for positive change. Their services include prevention and outreach, intervention, and youth development programs.
Great News! New York City is offering scholarships for city workers who want to go back to school and get degrees! Apparently, the city is a big believer in better educated employees = happier employees (with better prospects) = more productive city workers. Whatever the reason, if you qualify, (or your parents, older sister/cousin/young uncle do) you should definitely take advantage of this opportunity.
“Under the program, employees can get full or partial scholarships to 40 colleges and universities.
They offer advanced degrees in fields that include public administration, computer science, law and public health.
Competition is fierce. Last year, more than 400 people applied for about 40 slots.
Employees need to contact their agency’s personnel office by Nov. 23. The applicant must submit three essays that describe their job responsibilities, why graduate school is important and how the degree would benefit them as well as the city.
The final decisions are made by the individual colleges. Scholars are expected to continue their full-time jobs in city government.
Some of the participating colleges and universities include CUNY/Baruch, Columbia University, New York University, Pratt Institute and St. John’s University.
For information, a list of colleges and application details, check out the program’s Web site at nyc.gov/mgsp, or call (212) 669-4163.”
Homegirl NYC 